Never knew I was losing you
by Andwhenlovespeaks
Summary: Something really small on Lilly and Scotty again... Hope you'll like it! Reviews are welcome, either good or not! as some people have been disappointed by the end, maybe I should say it's not really joyful!


**Disclaimer: The characters are not mine but CBS'. If they were, they would already be married with loooaads of babies!! **

**First I want to thank you all for your wonderful reviews on my other fics! Even my french readers!! ;-)**  
**So here is the one shot I've been working on for the last 2 weeks... I finished it last night, and to celebrate the fact that it's Wednesday (CC is on air every Wednesday nights during summer on the french TV! So it's kind of my special day of the week!! Lol) I publish it today!**  
**It still is about Lilly and Scotty, based on a song I really love... you probably read this a hundred times before...**  
**Reviews are more than welcome!**

**Hope you'll like it!**

* * *

_I'm feeling so alone now tonight  
Even though you're here by my side  
Is there something on your mind  
From the world you'd left behind..._

Scotty was walking. Alone.

His workday had finished more than three hours ago.  
And since he had left the headquarters, he had walked.  
For an hour now, it had been raining heavily, but he didn't care.  
He didn't noticed the people that passed him running, looking for a shelter. Nor did he saw the kids jumping in the puddles, while they we're going home.  
Sometimes, he stopped walking, staying motionless under the rain, his look lost somewhere far in front of him...

What was happening to him? He felt so depressed. He couldn't see his future without thinking that they had none.  
How could it be different?

_He was leaning on the car, waiting for her to come out of the building. _  
'_I let it wait too long. It's not going anywhere.'_  
_She put her hand on the door, ready to get in._  
_He caught her arm, and attracted her close to him._  
'_What...'_  
_He didn't let her finish her sentence and softly kissed her._

_There came a crossing on the road  
If only there were signs to show me  
Which direction I should go..._

Why did he kissed her?

Since that moment, she had avoided him. No words, no looks, anything.  
He entered the park. His clothes were soaked, but he didn't felt it. 

He had tried so hard to hide his feelings towards Lilly. Despite all his efforts to conceal it, he was sure it was quite obvious. Even Vera would have guessed he loved her.

Just last week, she had caught him staring at her, examining her lips, the line of her cheek, the paleness of her skin... He wanted so much to take her in his arms, to touch her... He was so lost in his fantasies, he hadn't noticed she was looking back at him. It was so clear, he was pretty sure she knew, or at least, had the feeling something was unusual in his behaviour. He was so happy, just when she entered the room, her evanescent beauty enlightening everything around.

With time it had been harder and harder to hold it in...

He had fell in love with her slowly, days after days. And now, when she smiled at him, he wasn't happy anymore. It was enough a year ago, but not anymore.

He didn't even dare think she could love him. Never. He never allowed himself to dream she could feel, even a tiny bit of what he felt for her. Because he knew, deep inside, she didn't felt that way. Even before he kissed her, he knew.

He was just a friend. Her best friend. Nothing more. And he would never be anything else for her.

She was one big mystery to him. He didn't know a lot about her life, and almost nothing about her love life. Just a glimpse of it. The guys he had met, or seen, and some small things she had told him, here and there. But he knew she had suffered. More than anyone.

And he had seen her in love. Not with him.

_I wonder as you walk through the door  
Are you gonna hurt me some more  
Never took you for the kind  
Who would play up on my mind..._

He had to leave. Leave was the answer. Probably not the good one, but it was all he could do. It was getting unbearable. Go to work, pretend that nothing happened, and see her everyday. Everything was broken between them. Why did he kissed her? Why?

_Lilly stared at him. Blankly, her mouth opened, in a state of profound shock._  
_He couldn't even say he was sorry. He was scared again. _  
_She stepped back and opened the door, without saying a word._  
_He knew. Everything was broken._

He had made up his mind, leaving was the only way out.  
But... quit the job? No, he loved his job, the guys, he couldn't quit. Just a few weeks of holidays, far from here... far from her...  
First thing tomorrow, he'd ask the boss. He would agree, he hadn't been on more than a few days off for years...  
Would it be enough? Leave for a while?  
He wasn't convinced but it could help... anyway, he had to go, he couldn't bear one more day with her standing in front of him, with her cold looks, when she wasn't avoiding him...  
He had to get her out of his mind. She was here 24/7. He could still feel the softness of her lips against his. Would he be able to forget it?

He had started something and had to finish it.

Suddenly, he was standing at her door. He hadn't realised he had walked that much. And he was there. Unconsciously, he had walked towards her.  
He stood on the sidewalk on the other side of the street, looking at her door.  
The rain was still falling.

_There came a crossing on the road  
If only there were signs to show me  
Which direction I should go..._

He crossed the street and knocked at her door.  
"Lil', it's me..."

"Scotty? What are you doing here?" Lilly said, opening the door.

She was so beautiful. It would be hard. The most difficult thing to do. Leave her.

"I... was in the neighbourhood..."  
"You were in the neighbourhood? At almost 11PM? Under the rain? Come in!"  
She had this small, doubtful smile she had everytime he said something dumb. She backed in her apartment, showing him to enter.  
Scotty stood still. Drops kept falling on his head and shoulders, splashing around.

_Tell me what are you looking for  
I can't play your games anymore  
And when there's something on my mind  
I will always find the time  
To tell you..._

"Yes, no... Lil, listen, I'm sorry for what happened, I shouldn't have kissed you, but... I don't... it wasn't a mistake... I... I'm not staying..."  
"What do you mean, you're not staying?"  
She was cold again, her voice was like a slap in his face.

"I mean I'm leaving Philadelphia.."  
Her eyes opened widely.  
"Because of what happened? No, it was nothing! You can't leave! You can't leave me alone, I need you. You know how I react, I can sound cold and bitter but I'm not, you can't!"  
"No, I can't go on like this. I.. I love you Lil..."

That was it, the words were said. He had told her. Finally.  
Her jaw dropped. Again, she wasn't able to speak. Words were definitely not her strong point.

_It's not for the first time  
That someone else has hurt me  
By faking it too long  
Where did we go wrong..._

She was silent. Even after he had uttered the three most important words of his life, she remained hidden behind her walls.

He brushed his fingers against her cheek.  
"Goodbye Lil..."

_I live my life with no regrets  
It hasn't caught up on me yet  
But I never knew I was losing you..._

* * *

Song by Westlife.  
I know, my taste in music sometimes truly sucks... but I hope you liked it!! 


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